Janine Turner: American SHE-ro

Yesterday I mentioned a personal hero of mine: Janine Turner. I think we all remember her for appearing on the silver screen opposite peoples like Sylvester Stallone in CLIFFHANGER and starring in the LEAVE IT TO BEAVER feature film. While a lot of America knows her best as the once-adorable Maggie O'Connell on television show Northern Exposure, I remember her most for Christoga, a Christian form of yoga she promoted.

Many of you will be surprised that she is a big player in the conservative movement today! In the past 15 years she has contributed close to $7000 of her own money to conservative candidates. That ought to buy her a seat at the table!

She is also the founder and co-chair of Constituting America. They do all kinds of things, including taking art from childrens and putting it online:

Our Founding Fathers being visited
by ET the Extraterrestial!

Look out, Betsy Ross!

That eagle just stole your pencil!
Don't worry. It's an American Eagle.
It's probably only borrowing it.

But Janine is not just taking art from children! She is also making her own art with writing! You can see it over here. She has a good plan that involves cars to constitute America all over again. It has a great catchphrase that I think says what we all are thinking:

"If we see it, we will come."

Agreed!

She also writes:

"If we do a 180 and turn around, shining the headlights of our car on the Constitution, then we may set off a momentum that will shift our country back to its founding principles."

I agree with that too! In fact, I approve of her plan a lot because her plan means we never have to get out of our cars and do a lot of walking to fix America which, frankly, is what is wrong with most plans to constitute America. Let's drive back to our Constitution. And if you are a fattie you can drive back in your motorized Rascal Scooter.

She is not a fattie, but that's okay.

Lazy people can constitute America, too!

So come on, America. You have no excuse because Janine has come up with a plan to let us all stay in our cars while we are revolting!

Reality TV and Me

Many of my followers say to me, "Julia, why isn't you on the TV more often? I often see dumb and ugly people on television. It seems natural for you." And do you know what I say unto them? I say, "I did not go to a four-year program of correspondence study and spend $216 on stamps so that you could not call me Doctor Wonder." And that usually shapes them right up, but their question does have merit. And that question is one I hear all over this great country of ours:

Dr. Wonder, why aren't you on the dern TV?

Many of you cannot comprehend the difficulties of a psychic talent such as myself appearing on the TV in a suitable vehicle. Just this year a production company contacted me and said they wanted to do a show called Celebrity Psychic Apprentice. They even let me pick the participants who would learn to maximalize their psychic abilities at my hands.

Good old Carrot Top.
I think that he is full of untapped potential.

DJ Samantha Ronson. She has been unlucky in love,

and she is a artist. These two types of peoples
are most likely to respond to my therapies
to release their blockages quickly.
Also, drug addicts.


Insane Clown Posse. They have often asked
me for my guidance in their record albums
and they enjoy drinking Faygo and say that
their purpose is to "touch a lot of people."
Me, too!

Donald Faison. Is there anyone in
America who doesn't love Scrubs?


Victoria Givens is full of determination and spunk.
She currently holds the world record
for anal gangbangs, taking on 101 men in
7 hours with no lubrication.


Speaking of strong women, please
meet Janine Turner, a personal hero of mine.
She has gone from actor to political commentator who
wants to take back America from the liberals.
I truly think it is only a matter of time before she achieves
the level of respect that Victoria has.

It could have been a great show that would have given these has-beens a new lease on life. Then tragedy struck in the form of a psychic disaster no one could have anticipated. The tragedy of Celebrity Psychic Apprentice was that before we had even finished filming the first episode, I already knew who was going to win. My psychic abilities are truly a double edged sword.

I did the show because I believe in living up to my obligations but you could tell I was just going through the motions and so at the end I bought it back from the producers and have it stored in a secured location.

See, you all don't think about these things, but being me is trickier than it may first appears.

Are the Psychic Pets Trying to Kill You?

Tonight, President Jim Obama (good buddies don't have to do this "Barack" business - we all know why!) will speak to the nation on an important matter. Chances are that at the last minute he will be pressurized to not give his original speech and he will wind up talking about lesser matters like Iraq or the economy. Why? Because of the undue influence of man's worst enemy: psychic pets.

Why don't we eat dogs? They is delicious and there certainly are plenty of 'em. You can't walk down a city street without seeing human beings embarrassing themselves by picking up dog messes either with their hands or with their shoes.

Man's best friend? Not really.

Why don't we eat cats? They is plump and soft. I bet that soft kitty you're patting would be even better as a hat or a muff.

But we do not eat these animals. Why? Because they control us with their minds. Psychic Pets: the Enemy That Keeps Getting on the Couch. Many scientists have proved that pets have psychic abilities, and yet their researches are not published. Because pets have ESP and they use it to manipulate us. They will make science newspapers not publish about psychic pets and they will make Jim stop his historical speech at the last minute.

Cats practice walking. This is abnormal.

But why are psychic pets so dangerous? Could they not be our friends, too?

No.

The puppy dog licks your hand. The kitty cat climbs on your lap and kneads you with its paws. What are they doing? The puppy dog is tasting you. The kitty cat is tenderizing you. They are just waiting for you to hold still long enough for them to take a chunk outta your arm or leg, maybe even eat your face off. I am not joking. Just ask Marie Prevost.

It even says so in the Bible:

"Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood."

In plain simple language, what they're saying is that animals are going to take a trip to Israel and eat peoples and drink their blood. As if the Jews don't have enough problems, apparently animals find them delicious.

Working in concert, even small

dogs can trap and consume a human being.

Think about it. The animals already makes us to clean up their excretions. They throw up on our floors. They bites our children. And then they use their ESP to make us think it's all okay. And tonight they are going to keep Jim from talking to the Americans about this problem.

What you need to do is confuse your pets. Shine bright lights in their eyes. Surround them with mirrors and flashing lights and loud noises. Shoot them. This will keep them off balance and prevent them from using their psychic powers on you. And then I suggest that you eat them, just to show the others what will happen if they don't shape up.

Because if we don't eat our psychic pets, our psychic pets are going to eat us.

I worry for you, America. I worry.

Keep Ground Zero All American

If you hear the news, then you have heard of the mosk that's getting built down there around Ground Zero where all those brave Americans fought off those attacks by the airplanes back on 9/11. This is not American! The only things that should be down around Ground Zero are good American things, not dirty things from other countries. Ground Zero and the area around it should celebrate the pride we have in our country. Here are some American things from right around Ground Zero that truly represent our country and the fighting spirit of the American people:

God Bless Thunder Lingerie, but it's the promise
of "And more..." in that sign that
truly makes it All-American!


If you're touring Ground Zero and you get hungry
for some buffalo wings and naked girls
shaking their hoo-hahs then the Pussycat Lounge
is just around the corner.
Convenience is what made America great!



Nothing honors our fallen soldiers at Ground Zero more than
The Patriot. $6.50 pitchers! $2 draft! And
the bar tenders are all girls wearing bikinis.
Somewhere our Founding Fathers are smiling.
Let's hope they have plenty of singles
because tipping is the American Way!



Patriots at The Patriot showing Osama
some of our weapons of mass destruction.
God Bless the USA!


This dummy can't even spell mosk right.
This is the kind of picture that winds up
on the news and makes America look bad overseas.

I'm Watching You!

Squirrel Frappe'

Hello, all my lambs. The future is constantly happening, but today I want to talk about the past. I believe that history did happen and that past events are important because they can affect future events in the present!

The past is full of money-making opportunities, and many of these are detailed in my loving and insightful new book: Old Timey Times. After my mother's release into another plane of light and lukewarm energy, I came across a book that she had never told me about. A book passed down to her from her great-grandmother, Posie Wonder, bound in calico and written in a darling calligraphy.

Old Timey Times is a precious compendium of down-home recipes, stews, potages, compresses and lower-class wit and wisdom. Old Timey Times is a nostalgic return to life in a simpler time, and an excellent way to hide from a fearful and dangerous present.

One of the most overlooked aspects of our forefathers' lives is their diet. People come to me all the time and say:

"Julia, I am going through a complicated period, gender roles are changing, societal mores are up in the air, even our political system seems dubious and confused. How can I understand it all? How can I simplify my life?"

I say unto them, "Eat simple."

Two words, "Eat simple."

And what diet could be simpler than the over-looked rustic cuisine of our pioneer ancestors? Of course, a lot of the foods they ate are gone now. Passenger pigeon, buffalo, otter, unicorn - these animals are in pretty short supply nowadays, some of them are even endangered if not already extincted.

But there's one animal that will never go extinct. Who can forget sitting around the table of their log cabin as a little girl and eating a big old plate of squirrel brains?

And there're lots of squirrels around today. And it's not only their brains that are delicious. These bushy-tailed land-pigeons live in over 80% of our trees, their entire miniature bodies are full of vitamins and the best thing is that no calibre of firearm is too small to at least take the wind out of one of one of these suckers.

Walking with your childs in the park? There goes Scampering Sammy! Just pull out a firearm of your choice and pow! Even if he's only grazed you can still use the opportunity to get him in your purse, close it up on that rascal and then put him out of his misery by giving it a good shake.

But they are so small, I hear you whine. How will you eat them? As my momma always said, "Quantity isn't better than quality but it's a dern good runner-up."

And to that end, I present to you...the squirrel frappe'.

Squirrel Frappe'
Now, the first thing you do is grab a squirrel. Don't be too choosy, because most of the diseases in a squirrel are in its fur and we're going to be skinning these little trash monkeys.

Skinning is as easy as Do-Re-Mi!

If there's still a little fight left in the fellow, this is when he'll most likely try to get away and ruin your dinner plans. Just give his head a hard rap on the edge of the table and he'll settle down right quick.

Then you'll de-brain him and set the brains aside for later. (Hint: you'll need a sharp utensil, like a grapefruit spoon).

I know they look Yum-O, but if you pick at
them now, there'll be nothing left for later!

I'd say you'll need about an even dozen of these boogers, but you can always throw in an extra one for good luck. DON'T take the bones out. They'll get all whirred up in the slurry and provide extra calcium. Us girls need our daily dose of calcium or we'll turn into hunchbacked freaks when we're 50, right ladies?

Just slide your squirrels into the blender and punch up your speed of choice. I prefer "Frappe'."

Chunks or no chunks? That's up to you!

Add a scoop of your favorite ice cream or nonfat yogurt and then take the blend further. I always like to add a little Miller's High Life to give a bit of a pick-me-up to my protein juice, but that's between you and the laws of the state in which you live.

Now pour, and garnish the edge of the glass with their little paws and you've got a cool, refreshing summertime cocktail.

The Loom of Life

I want to talk to you today about something very near and dear to my heart. For the next little bit I want to talk to you about cripples and 'tards.

They are not much to laugh at. Many of YOU have a defective in your circle of acquaintance. Perhaps in a service capacity. Maybe a mental defective took your Big Mac patty out of the freezer and defrosted it today?

Defectives are all around us, constantly making us feel bad about ourselves, taking up all the good parking places, and putting us in embarrassing situations. What can you do that will make them happier and get them off your case?

Fear no more.

I have a patented healing program called the Loom of Life. This full sized loom is painted in a silky burgundy, which imparts the illusion of independence and self-reliability to those who have neither.

Tell me more!

Okay!

With the Loom of Life it's easy to turn ideas into self-expression, and self-expression into cold hard cash! With the Loom of Life you can express yourself in fabric like this!


A bathmat. Or maybe a potholder. I use it to wipe off my dipstick, but who's to say it’s not art? I think about that, right before I toss it in the backseat of my SUV.

But I don’t believe in just selling you something and then leaving you alone like those other fakes and charlatans out there. When you purchase a Loom of Life you can sign onto the Julia Wonder Happy Hands Program. I send you patterns of Nike t-shirts, and socks, polyester underwear, all kinds of neat things. You buy your fabric from me at a volume discount and I buy your finished products from you for cash on the barrelhead.

My Manila Happy Hands Weaving Group has
an encounter session. Just look at those smiling faces!

You'll find all my Life Weaving secrets, on my videocassette: "I Loom Over You". And for more advanced whizzes there's "Looming Up: Julia Wonder Weaves Harder". If you really want to make your chair motor smoke there's "Spinning Wheel Fever" for all the diehards out there who won't be happy until they've got a homespun colostomy cozy.

I know that you're eager to get weaving. You can already taste the warp, and smell the woof.

For the eager birds out there, I've got a special Early Beaver deal that'll have you slapping your tail with glee. All three tapes for only five dollars.

Three tapes? Five dollars!

People say I exploit the downtrodden, but they’re just jealous because I thought of it first.

You see a cripple, I see an employee.
You see a wasted, broken life half-lived. I see idle hands.
I am down in the flotsam and jetsam of humanity doing
what Martha Stewart won’t.
For you, MS stands for Multiple Sclerosis.
But for me, it stands for Mighty Special.

Turn your genetically disadvantaged acquaintances from ostracized parasites into loving give-a-cites with the relatively inexpensive Loom of Life. Order now while supplies last.

The Loom of Life: Can your tards afford to be without it?

 

A world famous Celebrity, Dr. Wonder has recently launched her Physic Shoppers Television ( The PST Club) offering such board certified products as Her Brainwave Pattern Sheet and The Julia Wonder Lucky Heifer Figurine and Papeweight.

I'm selling excitement!

Dr Wonder is a card carrying member of the NRA. Tote a piece for peace of mind- support the NRA!