Are the Psychic Pets Trying to Kill You?

Tonight, President Jim Obama (good buddies don't have to do this "Barack" business - we all know why!) will speak to the nation on an important matter. Chances are that at the last minute he will be pressurized to not give his original speech and he will wind up talking about lesser matters like Iraq or the economy. Why? Because of the undue influence of man's worst enemy: psychic pets.

Why don't we eat dogs? They is delicious and there certainly are plenty of 'em. You can't walk down a city street without seeing human beings embarrassing themselves by picking up dog messes either with their hands or with their shoes.

Man's best friend? Not really.

Why don't we eat cats? They is plump and soft. I bet that soft kitty you're patting would be even better as a hat or a muff.

But we do not eat these animals. Why? Because they control us with their minds. Psychic Pets: the Enemy That Keeps Getting on the Couch. Many scientists have proved that pets have psychic abilities, and yet their researches are not published. Because pets have ESP and they use it to manipulate us. They will make science newspapers not publish about psychic pets and they will make Jim stop his historical speech at the last minute.

Cats practice walking. This is abnormal.

But why are psychic pets so dangerous? Could they not be our friends, too?

No.

The puppy dog licks your hand. The kitty cat climbs on your lap and kneads you with its paws. What are they doing? The puppy dog is tasting you. The kitty cat is tenderizing you. They are just waiting for you to hold still long enough for them to take a chunk outta your arm or leg, maybe even eat your face off. I am not joking. Just ask Marie Prevost.

It even says so in the Bible:

"Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood."

In plain simple language, what they're saying is that animals are going to take a trip to Israel and eat peoples and drink their blood. As if the Jews don't have enough problems, apparently animals find them delicious.

Working in concert, even small

dogs can trap and consume a human being.

Think about it. The animals already makes us to clean up their excretions. They throw up on our floors. They bites our children. And then they use their ESP to make us think it's all okay. And tonight they are going to keep Jim from talking to the Americans about this problem.

What you need to do is confuse your pets. Shine bright lights in their eyes. Surround them with mirrors and flashing lights and loud noises. Shoot them. This will keep them off balance and prevent them from using their psychic powers on you. And then I suggest that you eat them, just to show the others what will happen if they don't shape up.

Because if we don't eat our psychic pets, our psychic pets are going to eat us.

I worry for you, America. I worry.