Craigslist Q&A: Looking for Friends

couple looking for friends - m4m

Q: We are a young (mid/late twenties) professional couple looking for friends in the city. We are looking for people that have similar interest that can have fun going out to a bar or just sitting around the table playing board games. We enjoy traveling, wine, museums, theater, current events and politics, arts and culture, and running and hiking among other things.

A: Boy are you in trouble. In my family, when I was growing up, we also enjoyed traveling, wine, museums, theater, current events, politics, arts and culture, and running and hiking. The problem is doing them all at the same time. You start out running to the bathroom in a theater and drinking wine and then someone brings up art and culture and before you know it you are fighting about politics, someone throws a punch and then you wind up waking up underneath the back door to some kind of folk art museum near a hiking trail. However, you sound like a great couple of fellas with all them board games and going to a bar, so I know some real live wires are in your future.

Craigslist Q&A: Feline Leukemia

From Craigslist:

SMOOOOOOOOOOSH - w4w - 23 (LORIMER L)

Q: nom nom nom nom

i want your pussy in my mouth

A: I thought a long time about how to best respond to this Craigslist posting. It uses some words like "nom" that we do not use in Oklahoma, or in any state that believes in a loving God and a strong America. People who write words like "nom nom nom" are often godless heathens who believe that we should not fight wars to protect our families. However, I believe in not discriminating too much against the less mentally fortunate so I decided that it must be answered because of the public health issue this posting from Craigslists raises.

Although cats look delicious there is a reason we do not eat them. Pussy cats contain a number of terrible diseases, not the most of which is feline leukemia. So remember, when you see a fluffy kitty it is not a food source. It should not go in your mouth at any time.

Fear Itself

A great man once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

No.

There are a lot more things to fear than that, my friend.

If you are not scared of this you are a dummy!

There's suicide bombers, and car bombers, and truck bombers, suitcase bombers, and shoe bombers, and underpants bombers, and liquid bombers who put the bombs inside little 4 ounce bottles of moisturizer, and scissors bombers.

Sarin attacks, anthrax attacks, ricin attacks, chemical blister agent attacks, panic attacks, attacks on our nuclear facilities, attacks on all the things that make America great like the NFL, and tacos and guns.

And it's not just bombs, the terrorists could attack us with biological weapons. They could make our kids allergic to milk. Or peanuts. Can you imagine if the Al Qaedar took peanut butter away from our kids?

So it's wise to avoid places the terrorists might strike like military bases, schools, malls, anyplace with lots of Jews, nuclear facilities, airports, farmer's markets, abortion clinics, needle exchanges, Mexico. Virtually any country outside America, including Hawaii. France is lousy with terrorists this time of year. Greece is not primarily terroristic but it is lazy, so you may as well avoid that one while you're at it.

The safest thing to do is just burn your passport so that no one can take you outside the America against your will.

Here we've got places that make sense. North Dakota? South Dakota. South Carolina? North Carolina. Out there it's all just a bunch of jibberish. There's Pakistanis, and Aghanis and Talibani, the Iraqis and the Saudi Arabis and the Israelis, the Jordanians and Iranians and Albanians and most Mediterraneans. The Baluchistan Liberation Army, the Irish Republican Army, the National Liberation Army, the Army of the Righteous, the Army of Mohammed, the Tamil Nadu Army, the New People's Army, the Old People's Army, the African National Congress, the United States Congress and the PLO and the ANO and the GRAPO, and the PLF, the PFLP, the PFLP-GC, JEM, HUM, TTP, KGK, IMU, MEK, AQAP, CPP/NPA, GIA, QJBR...

And then there's just the plain old assholes.

Maybe that sounds judgmental, but as I get older I find myself agreeing more and more with pretty much everything Mel Gibson has to say.

A Prediction for Peter S. in Montreal

You’re going to get the Chinese symbol for “Strength” tattooed on your stomach for your 40^th birthday, but I’ll tell you something. It’s actually going to be the Chinese symbol for “asshole."