My Wonder Pledge

WONDER PLEDGE

Dear Friends, Valued Followers, plus All the Rest of You,

The Republicans have found it necessary to issue a pledge to their fan base to outlining what they are to expect (or not) from their beloved G.O.P.

In a likely manner, I feel that all of those I’ve drawn in and hope to in future deserve no less potent of a capsule. This then is my WONDER PLEDGE to you—and you know who you are! If not, you soon will! I will start with a pre-amble (the full amble is coming—keep an eye out!).

MY PROMISE IS FOR YOU!!! The spiritual, the spiritless, the ‘haves’, the ‘have-nots’, the meek, the pushy, the ones on their way up, the ones ‘going down’, everybody, anybody, and especially you who haven’t as yet located your nitch.

We is America!

I PLEDGE THAT: Our work together will be successful, no matter how many times we try.

I PLEDGE THAT: You will find friends and even a home at Julia’s Wonder Team Headquarters, no matter how far away you live or how much you value your own ways.

I PLEDGE THAT: You will live each day as if it was your first. And if you can’t remember it, I have a re-birthing seminar that will bring it all back to you in living color.

One of my mobile rebirthing stations.

I PLEDGE THAT: Those of you already on the step-ladder to success I promise you will never miss a single rung.

I PLEDGE THAT: Those of you who are categorized as ‘failures’ will find a new respect for the important roles you play and before you can say HTNGLDW you will be looking up at the rears of those who’ve naturally climbed beyond you.

The Computer is evil!

I PLEDGE THAT: You will no longer be political pawns; you will see politics for what they are, you will see me for what I am, and you will vote accordingly.

I PLEDGE THAT: J.W.Enterprises is not one of your ordinary money-making schemes. While we are supported entirely by private donation and some legitimate grants. And those of you without anything to offer, we will find a use for you. Guaranteed!

I PLEDGE THAT: To keep you healthy and sickness-free is our goal. And we’ll help you to understand why the money you save on health insurance can serve us all better.

I PLEDGE THAT: All the methods and devices and products I offer you are guaranteed to work! If you give them enough time. Each one is put through an exhausted once-over by a panel of experts especially chosen by I myself! To ensure that what you get is as thoroughly certifiable as my distinguished panel themselves.

Don't tread on us!

I PLEDGE THAT: If you have ever wanted to stand out from ‘the crowd’ this is your golden opportunity. When ever you find yourself unconsciously “shifting” or walking “normally”, everyone within eyeshot will be curious as to how you got that way. And why.

I PLEDGE THAT: Your membership will entitle you to all the discounts, freebies, and special deals usually reserved for walk-ins and day-trippers.

I PLEDGE THAT: I will never cost you one cent more than you can afford to lose. For those of you with no indisposable income, we can offer you a scholarship against any collateral you can scrape together, and in terms that would make your run-of-the-mill Savings and Loan red with envy.

I PLEDGE THAT: Since our U.S. of A. does not stand for the second-rate, the mediocre or the deviant, I will do everything—I mean everything!—in my power to help you pass any and all smell tests.

I, on the other hand, welcome them all.

Except Mormons.

I PLEDGE THAT: You will be part of a real authentic grass-roots movement that is still small, but growing. We don’t want to reverse to an unenlightened past!— We have it in us to make America the kind of country even the Founding Fathers never dreamt of!

MOST OF ALL I PLEDGE THAT: You will come out of this a changed man (or woman, as you will).You may not even realize how or why. But when you take the time to think about it, you will come to the understanding that you really are the same person after all, the one you were destined to be.

I can offer you no greater gift.

THE CHOICE IS YOURS—WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?

THE REPUBLICAN TEABAG?

THE DEMOCRAT FEEDBAG?

Or

THE CHANCE TO TELL THEM ALL WHERE TO GET OFF?!

I, DR. Julia Wonder, will show you how unimportant it all is

When you live

ON A HIGHER LEVEL OF REALITY!

THERE’S NO TURNING BACK—

THE FUTURE IS YOURS!

COME JOIN THE ‘WONDER TEAM’!!

THESE ARE MY PLEDGE AND ALSO MY PROMISE TO YOU.

The American Bird is Angry

at un-Patriots!

Tracker Device? Not on my car! But what about yours?

Recently, an Arab person in America found an FBI tracker device on his car. He put a picture of it online saying, "What the heck is this thing?" Then the FBI had the nerve to show up at his house and ask for it back. When I have a vehicle I am always laying my hands on it and making sure that its energy vibrations are undisturbed and that no one has implanted anything inside of it. But many of you do not have the psychic abilities that I have. What can you do? I read this comment on a blog that reported the car tracker story and I think there's a lesson here for you all:

"i keep a camera with a good mic on it, trained on my car. The monitor is in my line of sight so unless I’m asleep or in the bathroom I can see my car. Anyway where I’m going with this is, had I caught them in the act I most likely would have been able to kill at least one of them (assuming there was a team to attach the device) before anyone would have had a chance to ID themselves. Yes I have a gun holstered right below this keyboard and a vest right by my door. Should I survive the encounter, would I be guilty? Now the real question is why did I write this online?"

See? If you aren't psychic, you can always be psychotic!

I agree with him!

Hey! Where's my Noble Peace Prize?

I saw that last week they awarded the Noble Peace Prizes to a bunch of idiots. They gave one to a fella who wrote a book called The Perpetual Orgy and one to a Chinese fella who's in jail. Since when do jailbirds get rewarded for doing illegal things that got them sent to the slammer? If this is the new Noble criteria then my cousin Nicki should have Noble Prizes falling off her shelf. She'd be able to trade them for packs of gum at the Sing Sing commissary. And she needs gum, especially the nicotine flavored kind, because Sing Sing is a no smoking jail now and everyone's all stressed out and shanking each other left and right because of it. But anyhoo... (See what I just did there - I interrupted MY personal blog to identify an unjust situation and call for justice. That's Noble Peace Prize material.)

Before it was corrupted, the Noble Peace Prize was supposed to go to "...the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses." Let's see...do I fit that definition better than Liu Xiaobo the Chinese jailbird?

Peace Bling. I deserves it!

Let's break it up like a cracker and see what's what:

"The person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations."
Me - On more than one occasion I have helped foreign types find their way back to their hotel or to the Reno, Nevada Gambling Hall of Fame when they were lost in the streets. Nevada has the highest crime rate in the country and without my help they mights have died. Also, I have answered several emails from a Nigerian who has funds stuck in an offshore account and is trying to free them to better his nation. I continue to assist in this activity.
Liu - he is in jail.

"The person who shall have done the most or the best work for the abolition or reduction of standing armies."
Me - I encouraged two of the Slattery boys to not enlist in the Army and to work as seasonal fruit pickers, instead. Also, I outted a "man" named Harlon Stone, thereby rendering him unfit for military service.
Liu - sitting in jail.

"The person who shall have done the most or the best work for the holding and promotion of peace congresses."
Me - I have no idea what this means.
Liu - he doesn't know either AND he's in jail.

I am also kind to animals, I tend not to post comments on YouTube message boards that are of a racial nature, and I am always saying that the money of an Arab or other ethnic minority is just the same to me as the money of a normal person. Liu doesn't know what money is because he lives in Communist China and also he is in jail. Although I suppose he could trade his Noble Prize for some of that nicotine gum at the prison commissary if he is in a no smoking jail. And if that would make it more likely that he will not shiv someone, then I am all for it. So let Liu keep his prize this year, because I want his prison experience to be peaceful and free of shanking and shivving.

But next year, come on. Haven't I waited my turn?

If this joker can get a
Noble Prize, why can't I?

Is Big Business Really So Bad?

I hear about how lots a people is very upset that big business is running wild and taking over the country. People say, "Oh, Big Business, I hate that Big Business. The Big Business gives me gas. Big Business killed my babies." This only shows how little some Americans understand how things was supposed to be. America is a country that's all about protecting the little guy, and even though Big Business has the word "big" right there in the title, really we're only talking about a few people who are monguls and business owners. In America, just 1% of the people own about 40% of the Big Business.

This is a true thing I'm telling you. The movers and shakers of America compromise only a small segment of our society. They are what we call a ‘minority’ and in America this is not a good thing to be, as most Afro-Americans, Jews and queers will agree with me, because when there’s not enough of them, they don’t make any difference. We Americans live by the motto: Majority rules! And that’s fine, but you can’t roll over everybody else.

It isn’t very fair to knock one particular minority when they do better or worse than the others. Our Foundling Fathers took this in mind when they chartered the U.S. Constitution. That’s why they put in a chapter called “Checks and Balances”. They understood that when a majority gets their way in everything they stop being fair to those beneath them. This is called the Tierney of the Majority. It's not good!

Instead of hating Big Business, we ought to be proud of them. They are a minority that managed to take their small number of votes and peoples and pretty much tell the majority where to get off. I truly hope the other minorities will be able to do the same some day.

Everyone can be a psychic! Except you.

Recently someone asked me about my amazing psychical powers.

"Dr. Wonder," they said, "can I develop psychic powers and do the same incredible things that you do?"

And I said unto them:

"Everyone can be a psychic!"

We all have the potential to perform amazing feats and to be incredible psychic supermen and women. This power is deep inside each of us and all of us could, with the right training, be amazing psychics!

Except for you.

I know who you are and I know you're reading this right now. And you're thinking, "But if everyone can do this, why can't I?"

You just can't. Don't fight me on this. If you try to unlock your psychic potential you could suffer from one or more of the following ailments:

- dry skin - pink eye - cloudy fingernails - abnormal hair growth - premature balding - uncertain hand movements - deep insecurity

"Those don't sound so bad," I hear you thinking to yourself. And I suppose if you wanted to be a bald, bearded, insecure young person with your skin flaking off all over people's furniture and carpets from your shaky hands then I can't stop you. But how about this symptom:

- insanity

Yes, you could drive yourself insane by trying to tap your psychic potential. So stop it! Right now! You can't do it! You can't unlock an inner strength you never knew you possessed! You can't tap into a hidden source of power and insight! I'm not trying to limit you, I'm trying to keep you from going coo-coo.

No, you can't.
So cut it out.

So to everyone else out there: yes, you can! You can tap into the mysteries of the universe and unleash extrasensory new abilities that will change the way you live your life from this day forward. You can be a new person with powers and gifts that will astonish your friends and family and earn you untold riches.

But you can't. I know who you are, and you know who you are and you'll always have to rely on a professional psychic, like me. So get used to it.

Is Evolution for real?

Have you looked at an interesting poll lately? I have. There is many that says that only about 40% of Americans believe in evolution. I want to weigh in here because lots of peoples have questions about evolution and whether it is true or not, just like they did in 1856 when Charles Darwin invented it. So I want you to know that I am a modern woman and a doctor of science and you should know that I believe in evolution.

How did I come to this belief? Not only by accepting it blindly, no sir. I came to my belief in evolution by observing the world around me. Take for example ordering a Big Mac. There is no way you can tell me that the fella running the register didn't start out as a monkey. I also find the same thing at Wal-Mart and Bed, Bath and Beyond. These kids on the register definitely came from a bunch of dirty monkeys otherwise there is no way to explain them.

I cannot tell a difference, can you?

Or take Sarah Jessica Parker.

Surely there is a little horse in there somewhere.

And that Napoleon Dynamite kid has got to be descended from beavers or my name is not Dr. Julia Wonder.

But usually it's monkeys. That's what most people look like to me: just a pack of screeching, jumping, noisy, arm-waving monkeys. Especially children.

"But," I hear you say, "you do not look like a monkey, Dr. Wonder." And you are correct. So where do I come from? There are many theories about this but allow me to share one with you called the Ancient Astronaut Theory. In this theory, which I believe to possibly be irrefutable fact, UFOs came to our planet many hundreds of years ago before there was anything human on it. They were all worked up after their long space flight and so they partied and shot their space sperm on our planet. Then they had some space wars.

What the dawn of time probably looked like.

Anyhoo, the aliens got back in their UFOs and went away to another galaxy but the space sperm they left behind turned into babies and these babies had intercourse with each other and started a sophisticated and very good looking part of the human race that we know of today as Norwegians. And that's where my great, great, great, great grandmama Wonder hails from. So I am definitely one of these space sperm peoples and not one of the dirty monkey peoples.

What I am descended from.

What people from France
are descended from.

But that's only a theory. The other theory is that I am just unique and special, and if you prefer that theory then it's okay by me!