The past is full of money-making opportunities, and many of these are detailed in my loving and insightful new book: Old Timey Times. After my mother's release into another plane of light and lukewarm energy, I came across a book that she had never told me about. A book passed down to her from her great-grandmother, Posie Wonder, bound in calico and written in a darling calligraphy.
Old Timey Times is a precious compendium of down-home recipes, stews, potages, compresses and lower-class wit and wisdom. Old Timey Times is a nostalgic return to life in a simpler time, and an excellent way to hide from a fearful and dangerous present.
One of the most overlooked aspects of our forefathers' lives is their diet. People come to me all the time and say:
"Julia, I am going through a complicated period, gender roles are changing, societal mores are up in the air, even our political system seems dubious and confused. How can I understand it all? How can I simplify my life?" I say unto them, "Eat simple."
Two words, "Eat simple."
And what diet could be simpler than the over-looked rustic cuisine of our pioneer ancestors? Of course, a lot of the foods they ate are gone now. Passenger pigeon, buffalo, otter, unicorn - these animals are in pretty short supply nowadays, some of them are even endangered if not already extincted.
But there's one animal that will never go extinct. Who can forget sitting around the table of their log cabin as a little girl and eating a big old plate of squirrel brains?
And there're lots of squirrels around today. And it's not only their brains that are delicious. These bushy-tailed land-pigeons live in over 80% of our trees, their entire miniature bodies are full of vitamins and the best thing is that no calibre of firearm is too small to at least take the wind out of one of one of these suckers.
Walking with your childs in the park? There goes Scampering Sammy! Just pull out a firearm of your choice and pow! Even if he's only grazed you can still use the opportunity to get him in your purse, close it up on that rascal and then put him out of his misery by giving it a good shake.
But they are so small, I hear you whine. How will you eat them? As my momma always said, "Quantity isn't better than quality but it's a dern good runner-up."
And to that end, I present to you...the squirrel frappe'.
Squirrel Frappe'
Now, the first thing you do is grab a squirrel. Don't be too choosy, because most of the diseases in a squirrel are in its fur and we're going to be skinning these little trash monkeys.
If there's still a little fight left in the fellow, this is when he'll most likely try to get away and ruin your dinner plans. Just give his head a hard rap on the edge of the table and he'll settle down right quick.
Then you'll de-brain him and set the brains aside for later. (Hint: you'll need a sharp utensil, like a grapefruit spoon).
I know they look Yum-O, but if you pick at
them now, there'll be nothing left for later!
I'd say you'll need about an even dozen of these boogers, but you can always throw in an extra one for good luck. DON'T take the bones out. They'll get all whirred up in the slurry and provide extra calcium. Us girls need our daily dose of calcium or we'll turn into hunchbacked freaks when we're 50, right ladies?
Just slide your squirrels into the blender and punch up your speed of choice. I prefer "Frappe'."
Chunks or no chunks? That's up to you!
Add a scoop of your favorite ice cream or nonfat yogurt and then take the blend further. I always like to add a little Miller's High Life to give a bit of a pick-me-up to my protein juice, but that's between you and the laws of the state in which you live.
Now pour, and garnish the edge of the glass with their little paws and you've got a cool, refreshing summertime cocktail.
Two words, "Eat simple."
And what diet could be simpler than the over-looked rustic cuisine of our pioneer ancestors? Of course, a lot of the foods they ate are gone now. Passenger pigeon, buffalo, otter, unicorn - these animals are in pretty short supply nowadays, some of them are even endangered if not already extincted.
But there's one animal that will never go extinct. Who can forget sitting around the table of their log cabin as a little girl and eating a big old plate of squirrel brains?
And there're lots of squirrels around today. And it's not only their brains that are delicious. These bushy-tailed land-pigeons live in over 80% of our trees, their entire miniature bodies are full of vitamins and the best thing is that no calibre of firearm is too small to at least take the wind out of one of one of these suckers.
Walking with your childs in the park? There goes Scampering Sammy! Just pull out a firearm of your choice and pow! Even if he's only grazed you can still use the opportunity to get him in your purse, close it up on that rascal and then put him out of his misery by giving it a good shake.
But they are so small, I hear you whine. How will you eat them? As my momma always said, "Quantity isn't better than quality but it's a dern good runner-up."
And to that end, I present to you...the squirrel frappe'.
Squirrel Frappe'
Now, the first thing you do is grab a squirrel. Don't be too choosy, because most of the diseases in a squirrel are in its fur and we're going to be skinning these little trash monkeys.
Skinning is as easy as Do-Re-Mi!
If there's still a little fight left in the fellow, this is when he'll most likely try to get away and ruin your dinner plans. Just give his head a hard rap on the edge of the table and he'll settle down right quick.
Then you'll de-brain him and set the brains aside for later. (Hint: you'll need a sharp utensil, like a grapefruit spoon).
I know they look Yum-O, but if you pick atthem now, there'll be nothing left for later!
I'd say you'll need about an even dozen of these boogers, but you can always throw in an extra one for good luck. DON'T take the bones out. They'll get all whirred up in the slurry and provide extra calcium. Us girls need our daily dose of calcium or we'll turn into hunchbacked freaks when we're 50, right ladies?
Just slide your squirrels into the blender and punch up your speed of choice. I prefer "Frappe'."
Chunks or no chunks? That's up to you! Add a scoop of your favorite ice cream or nonfat yogurt and then take the blend further. I always like to add a little Miller's High Life to give a bit of a pick-me-up to my protein juice, but that's between you and the laws of the state in which you live.
Now pour, and garnish the edge of the glass with their little paws and you've got a cool, refreshing summertime cocktail.
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