The Loom of Life

I want to talk to you today about something very near and dear to my heart. For the next little bit I want to talk to you about cripples and 'tards.

They are not much to laugh at. Many of YOU have a defective in your circle of acquaintance. Perhaps in a service capacity. Maybe a mental defective took your Big Mac patty out of the freezer and defrosted it today?

Defectives are all around us, constantly making us feel bad about ourselves, taking up all the good parking places, and putting us in embarrassing situations. What can you do that will make them happier and get them off your case?

Fear no more.

I have a patented healing program called the Loom of Life. This full sized loom is painted in a silky burgundy, which imparts the illusion of independence and self-reliability to those who have neither.

Tell me more!

Okay!

With the Loom of Life it's easy to turn ideas into self-expression, and self-expression into cold hard cash! With the Loom of Life you can express yourself in fabric like this!


A bathmat. Or maybe a potholder. I use it to wipe off my dipstick, but who's to say it’s not art? I think about that, right before I toss it in the backseat of my SUV.

But I don’t believe in just selling you something and then leaving you alone like those other fakes and charlatans out there. When you purchase a Loom of Life you can sign onto the Julia Wonder Happy Hands Program. I send you patterns of Nike t-shirts, and socks, polyester underwear, all kinds of neat things. You buy your fabric from me at a volume discount and I buy your finished products from you for cash on the barrelhead.

My Manila Happy Hands Weaving Group has
an encounter session. Just look at those smiling faces!

You'll find all my Life Weaving secrets, on my videocassette: "I Loom Over You". And for more advanced whizzes there's "Looming Up: Julia Wonder Weaves Harder". If you really want to make your chair motor smoke there's "Spinning Wheel Fever" for all the diehards out there who won't be happy until they've got a homespun colostomy cozy.

I know that you're eager to get weaving. You can already taste the warp, and smell the woof.

For the eager birds out there, I've got a special Early Beaver deal that'll have you slapping your tail with glee. All three tapes for only five dollars.

Three tapes? Five dollars!

People say I exploit the downtrodden, but they’re just jealous because I thought of it first.

You see a cripple, I see an employee.
You see a wasted, broken life half-lived. I see idle hands.
I am down in the flotsam and jetsam of humanity doing
what Martha Stewart won’t.
For you, MS stands for Multiple Sclerosis.
But for me, it stands for Mighty Special.

Turn your genetically disadvantaged acquaintances from ostracized parasites into loving give-a-cites with the relatively inexpensive Loom of Life. Order now while supplies last.

The Loom of Life: Can your tards afford to be without it?