Christine O'Donnell: Witch or Not a Witch?

I was real excited when I heard Karl Rove say that Tea Party Senate candidate in Delaware, Christine O'Donnell, was a witch because we needs more spirituality in our daily politics. But then I talked it over with Janine Turner and she said unto me, "Julia, our Founding Fathers never intended for witches or warlocks or even wizards to have a place in our politics." And I always agree with Janine!

Karl Rove is a lot of things, but I do not think he is an authority on witchcraft. And I think it is vitals to our Republic that we know if Christine O'Donnell is indeed a witch. So I took out my channeling bowl and had a chat with Cotton Mather, one of the key authorities at the Salem Witch Trials.

Not an expert on witch hunting.

An expert on witch hunting.

Dr. Julia Wonder: Hello, Cotton Mather.
Cotton Mather: Hail, female.
Dr. Julia Wonder: I have a question for you, Cotton. Is Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell a witch?
Cotton Mather: If you wish to find out whether a woman is endowed with a Witch’s power, take note whether she is able to shed tears when being tortured. If she be a Witch she will not be able to weep: although she will assume a tearful aspect and smear her cheeks and eyes with spittle to make it appear that she is weeping.
Dr. Julia Wonder: I am generally opposed to spittle. Are there other ways of finding out if she is a witch?
Cotton Mather: There is the trial of red-hot iron. Heat an iron bar or ingot and press it into the hands of the accused Witch. If she cannot carry it past three steps, and it burneth her hands and flesh most terribly, then the accused woman is not a witch. However, if the accused carries the red-hot iron to the stipulated three pace limit and beyond, then she has received assistance and supernatural powers from the Devil who sends her invisible aid and renders her hands tough and horny and resistant to the cleansing fire of Christ.
Dr. Julia Wonder: If Christine O'Donnell is a witch, what options are there for the Tea Party?
Cotton Mather: There is only one recourse when a Witch is exposed and that is to sentence her to the ordeal of Peine forte et dure and heavy stones shall be stacked upon her chest until she is pressed to death in a public place, bloody spittle issuing from her mouth along with her cries of mercy and her pleas for aid directed to her master, the Devil.
Dr. Julia Wonder: Thank you, Cotton Mather.
Cotton Mather: In the midst of the many Dissatisfaction among us, the public triall of a witch shall promote such a pious Thankfulness unto God, for Justice being so far executed among us, that I shall Re-joyce that God is Glorified and that the witch is sent burning into Hell.

There you have it!

Crushing may be an option for the
Tea Party as it deals with its "witch problem."

Celebrating 9/11

It has been 11 years since the terrible events of 9/11 and I have often wondered what I could have done to prevent them. Sometimes I curse myself that I ignored those emails I got in late 2000 from Obinladen65@hotmail.com. I thought they were an internet scam but reading them again now I guess they weren't.

However, I don't want to dwell too much on the mistakes of the past, because they are often not really mistakes. Think of all the wonderful healing that has come from 9/11 and think that if I had answered those emails and guided him away from what he did, we never could have gotten all this coming together in America and the world and we would not be getting a new Freedom Tower and there would be less jobs. That is why I call the title of this post "Celebrating 9/11" and not "Being All Depressed and Second Guessing About 9/11." It's all about your mental attitude and outlook on life!

Are you proud, Al Qutta? You have made our
national bird cry.

But new elements of what happened that day are always coming to light and I want to share one for you that just has come to my light on this anniversary week.

On the website of a paranormal investigator she writes about what her cousin saw from a boat off the coast of Manhattan that doomed day around dusk. She says:

"As they sat on the boat watching they all started to notice at once something very odd going on at the ground zero site. Over the buildings , above the city they realized they were seeing flashes of what looked like light rising from the top of what was left of the tower complex rising up into the darkening sky. The group of people sitting on the boats watched in silence as this strange activity increased until they witnessed hundreds of ghost like white wisps rise from the ground and lift into the night sky. The people watching started to cry as they all were sure at what they were watching. My cousin talked to me a few days later and she told me they looked like a white glowing shape about body size and that the entire thing lasted for only a hour or so and then it slowed and stopped."

We all know about the terrible events of 9/11 but what chills me to my blood is that before today I never knew that Al Qutta used trained ghosts to attack America! Terrorist suicide ghosts in a second strike attack! If they had been successful, New York City would have been haunted for years!

Thank goodness for our brave men and women in the CIA, the FBI and the NASA who defeated this "Second Strike." I think they all deserve our gratimuchitude.

And maybe they also deserve a free order of medium fries.
It is clear that BK went out of business because
they care too damn much. There's no room
for honor and respect for the military in the
cut throat world of fast food.

Walking

Can you tell me what these two people have in common?

Caveman

Black Person

That's right. Although they are separated by thousands of years, they both walk the same way. Isn't that crazy? We don't eat raw meat, or hunt with flint spears or ride dinosaurs, or any of the other things our caveman ancestors did but we still walk the exact same way.

This will not do.

We need an evolution in our walking or we will always be Poor Walkers (PWs).

Now those smarty boys did invent that Segway machine but they did not anticipate on the JF (Jackass Factor) that makes everyone who rides one of those things look like a jackass.

Ask yourself: what is the future of walking?

Crickets. Am I right?

Now ask me. Go on. Ask me.

Dr. Wonder, what is the future of walking?

Answer: The Future of Walking is Walking Normally (WN). This is a technique that I have developed at my Center for Applied Metaphysics (CAMP) and I teach it at my classes and workshops. It is more difficult than you can imagine. Because most people do not know how to WN (Walk Normally). Look at this, some scientist trying to steal my ideas and using technology and robots to make himself walk normally.




The folks at Honda may be smarty pants but they have to stick a robot up their butts to walk normally and I say:

"Stick a robot up his butt and a man will walk normally for a day. Teach a man how to Walk Normally according to Dr. Julia Wonder's copyrighted Walking Normally Program, and he will Walk Normally for the rest of his life."

Many of you are twitching your legs with anticipation (or you have Restless Leg Syndrome to which I say: Braindiamond 11-42) and so I want to hit you with an idea. Chew this one over in your brain:

The first step to walking normally is to understand that there is no such thing as walking.

You sleep on that and when you figure it out, we'll move on to step two!

The Future of Now

Do you want to make history? I do! And I want to share this unique opportunity with all my readers on the world wide web. I have a brand new project called, Hello, Future Peoples! and judging by how lonely most of you are, and how powerless you feel in your everyday lives, I know all of you are going to want to be part of it!

Funded by the Federal Stimulus Package, Hello, Future Peoples! is a time capsule that will be buried in the desert near Reno, Nevada, and it will be chock full of my teachings. Why? Because future peoples living in the future are going to need help from me, and while I will most likely still be there to guide them, there is a chance that I will not be available for as much hands on assistance as they might require because maybe I'll be on another planet.

You can put your baby in this time capsule and dig
it up in 22 years! Just put in some canned tuna fish and
sparkling water and a copy of my teachings and
you'll have a upstanding citizen
when you finally dig the little critter up.

Hello, Future Peoples! has meant a lot to me for years, and now I'm inviting you, the non-historic peoples, to aid me in my goal. Send me in an item of great personal value to you and I will include it in the time capsule! You can send in wedding rings, jewelry, government bonds, antiques and/or precious family heirlooms. In exchange, you will receive from me a personalized receipt thanking you for your contribution and letting you know that your valuable has been sealed inside the Hello, Future Peoples! time capsule to be digged up in 600 years.

They're going to open up their capsule
in 100 years? Quitters.

Imagine a child, a future archeologist or even a alien being digging up the time capsule and going through your belongings. This is your chance to share with future peoples, or robots, the most valuable thing you owned.

Plagues. Extreme climate change. Animals killing us all in our sleep. Nucular attack. In a post-apocalyptic world where the Earth has been destroyed what’s the one thing that will survive? The Hello, Future Peoples! time capsule! And you should be inside of it.

Because our civilization will end. The terrorists want to rain down nucular fire on our breadbasket and burn it. They want to poison our water. Destroy our cars. But I know Americans will fight. And in the post-apocalyptic death camps of the enemy, good Americans will rise up and write a new Declaration of Independence in blood, because freedom isn’t free. It comes with a price tag.

I bet they wish they had a copy of my
teachings right about now!

And they will learn about that price tag when they open the Hello, Future Peoples! time capsule. So act now to participate in my new scheme. Because in the future, you'll be dead.

Janine Turner: American SHE-ro

Yesterday I mentioned a personal hero of mine: Janine Turner. I think we all remember her for appearing on the silver screen opposite peoples like Sylvester Stallone in CLIFFHANGER and starring in the LEAVE IT TO BEAVER feature film. While a lot of America knows her best as the once-adorable Maggie O'Connell on television show Northern Exposure, I remember her most for Christoga, a Christian form of yoga she promoted.

Many of you will be surprised that she is a big player in the conservative movement today! In the past 15 years she has contributed close to $7000 of her own money to conservative candidates. That ought to buy her a seat at the table!

She is also the founder and co-chair of Constituting America. They do all kinds of things, including taking art from childrens and putting it online:

Our Founding Fathers being visited
by ET the Extraterrestial!

Look out, Betsy Ross!

That eagle just stole your pencil!
Don't worry. It's an American Eagle.
It's probably only borrowing it.

But Janine is not just taking art from children! She is also making her own art with writing! You can see it over here. She has a good plan that involves cars to constitute America all over again. It has a great catchphrase that I think says what we all are thinking:

"If we see it, we will come."

Agreed!

She also writes:

"If we do a 180 and turn around, shining the headlights of our car on the Constitution, then we may set off a momentum that will shift our country back to its founding principles."

I agree with that too! In fact, I approve of her plan a lot because her plan means we never have to get out of our cars and do a lot of walking to fix America which, frankly, is what is wrong with most plans to constitute America. Let's drive back to our Constitution. And if you are a fattie you can drive back in your motorized Rascal Scooter.

She is not a fattie, but that's okay.

Lazy people can constitute America, too!

So come on, America. You have no excuse because Janine has come up with a plan to let us all stay in our cars while we are revolting!

Reality TV and Me

Many of my followers say to me, "Julia, why isn't you on the TV more often? I often see dumb and ugly people on television. It seems natural for you." And do you know what I say unto them? I say, "I did not go to a four-year program of correspondence study and spend $216 on stamps so that you could not call me Doctor Wonder." And that usually shapes them right up, but their question does have merit. And that question is one I hear all over this great country of ours:

Dr. Wonder, why aren't you on the dern TV?

Many of you cannot comprehend the difficulties of a psychic talent such as myself appearing on the TV in a suitable vehicle. Just this year a production company contacted me and said they wanted to do a show called Celebrity Psychic Apprentice. They even let me pick the participants who would learn to maximalize their psychic abilities at my hands.

Good old Carrot Top.
I think that he is full of untapped potential.

DJ Samantha Ronson. She has been unlucky in love,

and she is a artist. These two types of peoples
are most likely to respond to my therapies
to release their blockages quickly.
Also, drug addicts.


Insane Clown Posse. They have often asked
me for my guidance in their record albums
and they enjoy drinking Faygo and say that
their purpose is to "touch a lot of people."
Me, too!

Donald Faison. Is there anyone in
America who doesn't love Scrubs?


Victoria Givens is full of determination and spunk.
She currently holds the world record
for anal gangbangs, taking on 101 men in
7 hours with no lubrication.


Speaking of strong women, please
meet Janine Turner, a personal hero of mine.
She has gone from actor to political commentator who
wants to take back America from the liberals.
I truly think it is only a matter of time before she achieves
the level of respect that Victoria has.

It could have been a great show that would have given these has-beens a new lease on life. Then tragedy struck in the form of a psychic disaster no one could have anticipated. The tragedy of Celebrity Psychic Apprentice was that before we had even finished filming the first episode, I already knew who was going to win. My psychic abilities are truly a double edged sword.

I did the show because I believe in living up to my obligations but you could tell I was just going through the motions and so at the end I bought it back from the producers and have it stored in a secured location.

See, you all don't think about these things, but being me is trickier than it may first appears.

Are the Psychic Pets Trying to Kill You?

Tonight, President Jim Obama (good buddies don't have to do this "Barack" business - we all know why!) will speak to the nation on an important matter. Chances are that at the last minute he will be pressurized to not give his original speech and he will wind up talking about lesser matters like Iraq or the economy. Why? Because of the undue influence of man's worst enemy: psychic pets.

Why don't we eat dogs? They is delicious and there certainly are plenty of 'em. You can't walk down a city street without seeing human beings embarrassing themselves by picking up dog messes either with their hands or with their shoes.

Man's best friend? Not really.

Why don't we eat cats? They is plump and soft. I bet that soft kitty you're patting would be even better as a hat or a muff.

But we do not eat these animals. Why? Because they control us with their minds. Psychic Pets: the Enemy That Keeps Getting on the Couch. Many scientists have proved that pets have psychic abilities, and yet their researches are not published. Because pets have ESP and they use it to manipulate us. They will make science newspapers not publish about psychic pets and they will make Jim stop his historical speech at the last minute.

Cats practice walking. This is abnormal.

But why are psychic pets so dangerous? Could they not be our friends, too?

No.

The puppy dog licks your hand. The kitty cat climbs on your lap and kneads you with its paws. What are they doing? The puppy dog is tasting you. The kitty cat is tenderizing you. They are just waiting for you to hold still long enough for them to take a chunk outta your arm or leg, maybe even eat your face off. I am not joking. Just ask Marie Prevost.

It even says so in the Bible:

"Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood."

In plain simple language, what they're saying is that animals are going to take a trip to Israel and eat peoples and drink their blood. As if the Jews don't have enough problems, apparently animals find them delicious.

Working in concert, even small

dogs can trap and consume a human being.

Think about it. The animals already makes us to clean up their excretions. They throw up on our floors. They bites our children. And then they use their ESP to make us think it's all okay. And tonight they are going to keep Jim from talking to the Americans about this problem.

What you need to do is confuse your pets. Shine bright lights in their eyes. Surround them with mirrors and flashing lights and loud noises. Shoot them. This will keep them off balance and prevent them from using their psychic powers on you. And then I suggest that you eat them, just to show the others what will happen if they don't shape up.

Because if we don't eat our psychic pets, our psychic pets are going to eat us.

I worry for you, America. I worry.