Craigslist Q&A: Looking for Friends

couple looking for friends - m4m

Q: We are a young (mid/late twenties) professional couple looking for friends in the city. We are looking for people that have similar interest that can have fun going out to a bar or just sitting around the table playing board games. We enjoy traveling, wine, museums, theater, current events and politics, arts and culture, and running and hiking among other things.

A: Boy are you in trouble. In my family, when I was growing up, we also enjoyed traveling, wine, museums, theater, current events, politics, arts and culture, and running and hiking. The problem is doing them all at the same time. You start out running to the bathroom in a theater and drinking wine and then someone brings up art and culture and before you know it you are fighting about politics, someone throws a punch and then you wind up waking up underneath the back door to some kind of folk art museum near a hiking trail. However, you sound like a great couple of fellas with all them board games and going to a bar, so I know some real live wires are in your future.

Craigslist Q&A: Feline Leukemia

From Craigslist:

SMOOOOOOOOOOSH - w4w - 23 (LORIMER L)

Q: nom nom nom nom

i want your pussy in my mouth

A: I thought a long time about how to best respond to this Craigslist posting. It uses some words like "nom" that we do not use in Oklahoma, or in any state that believes in a loving God and a strong America. People who write words like "nom nom nom" are often godless heathens who believe that we should not fight wars to protect our families. However, I believe in not discriminating too much against the less mentally fortunate so I decided that it must be answered because of the public health issue this posting from Craigslists raises.

Although cats look delicious there is a reason we do not eat them. Pussy cats contain a number of terrible diseases, not the most of which is feline leukemia. So remember, when you see a fluffy kitty it is not a food source. It should not go in your mouth at any time.

Fear Itself

A great man once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

No.

There are a lot more things to fear than that, my friend.

If you are not scared of this you are a dummy!

There's suicide bombers, and car bombers, and truck bombers, suitcase bombers, and shoe bombers, and underpants bombers, and liquid bombers who put the bombs inside little 4 ounce bottles of moisturizer, and scissors bombers.

Sarin attacks, anthrax attacks, ricin attacks, chemical blister agent attacks, panic attacks, attacks on our nuclear facilities, attacks on all the things that make America great like the NFL, and tacos and guns.

And it's not just bombs, the terrorists could attack us with biological weapons. They could make our kids allergic to milk. Or peanuts. Can you imagine if the Al Qaedar took peanut butter away from our kids?

So it's wise to avoid places the terrorists might strike like military bases, schools, malls, anyplace with lots of Jews, nuclear facilities, airports, farmer's markets, abortion clinics, needle exchanges, Mexico. Virtually any country outside America, including Hawaii. France is lousy with terrorists this time of year. Greece is not primarily terroristic but it is lazy, so you may as well avoid that one while you're at it.

The safest thing to do is just burn your passport so that no one can take you outside the America against your will.

Here we've got places that make sense. North Dakota? South Dakota. South Carolina? North Carolina. Out there it's all just a bunch of jibberish. There's Pakistanis, and Aghanis and Talibani, the Iraqis and the Saudi Arabis and the Israelis, the Jordanians and Iranians and Albanians and most Mediterraneans. The Baluchistan Liberation Army, the Irish Republican Army, the National Liberation Army, the Army of the Righteous, the Army of Mohammed, the Tamil Nadu Army, the New People's Army, the Old People's Army, the African National Congress, the United States Congress and the PLO and the ANO and the GRAPO, and the PLF, the PFLP, the PFLP-GC, JEM, HUM, TTP, KGK, IMU, MEK, AQAP, CPP/NPA, GIA, QJBR...

And then there's just the plain old assholes.

Maybe that sounds judgmental, but as I get older I find myself agreeing more and more with pretty much everything Mel Gibson has to say.

A Prediction for Peter S. in Montreal

You’re going to get the Chinese symbol for “Strength” tattooed on your stomach for your 40^th birthday, but I’ll tell you something. It’s actually going to be the Chinese symbol for “asshole."

My Brainwaves are Powerful!

This is an exercise of Group Metaphysics using my Brainwave Pattern Sheet. Why MY brain waves? Let me explain.

This is a bona fide copy of my brain waves.

Not too long ago I was feeling faint, got a little dizzy, and I got a little worried and I decided to call a doctor, an old family friend, who’s taken care of me for years. As a matter of fact, he is a brain specialist. Well, Doc came to my house and was alarmed at how weak I looked. He made me promise to come down to the hospital so he could hook me up to an electroencephalogram, which is a special machine that measures your brainwaves. And so he strapped me into the machine and he says, ‘Julia!’ he says to me. ‘These are the most amazing brain waves I have ever seen in my entire medical career.’ He was all excited and said, ‘They show an enormous amount of mental energy. I know you are psychic, but this is ridiculous.’

And then he said, ‘If more people had brainwaves like these, there’d be more successful people in the world.’ And I decided then and there that I was going to do something about it. Now you too can have the same brainwave pattern as I have. You too can realize your dreams as I have. You too can plug into the divine pattern as I have. How does it work? In just a moment, I am going to ask you to press your forehead against my Brainwave Pattern Sheet.

Hold in place for one full minute. No less. I am going to ask you to concentrate on synchronizing your brainwave pattern with mine. I then receive your thoughts and unblock your psychic logjams. You will begin to feel into the larger brainwave pattern formed by this activity. Everybody, press and… GO!

Think about money. Breathe into your center. Think about money.

Now back off your computer screen.

I felt that! Soon you’ll see the money train headin’ your way and I hope you can see it, catch it and hogtie it when it comes down your pike. If you don’t know how to see financial opportunity, you are not the first. Here I give you the brainwave to opportunity, but how does it work for you? You're just going to have to call me for a private session!

Craigslist Q&A: Sad Man

From Craigslist:

Q: I am 30 years old and I have no friends and no family. Do you know what that means? Can anyone comprehend what it's like to not have ONE person in this world? My mother is dead, I have no idea where my father is and i have no siblings. No other family that I know of. I also have no friends at all, not even 1 close friend, and no significant other/partner/not even a FWB. Yeah a lot of it is through my own fault. Anyway, the holidays make me so depressed, i feel like dying.

A: Dear Sad,
Suicide is never the answer, but this is not a one-size-fits-all world. I would never recommend a potential follower try suicide, but in your case I'm going to make an exception. Go for it! If it's this bad at 30 then you're really going to hate 40!

Talking Terrorism

A lot of people say I talk too much about terrorism. I'll be standing there on some playground, telling a bunch of preschoolers about all the people in other countries who want to kill their mommies and daddies and every single time some liberal parent calls the police and then one thing leads to another and always, right before they tase me, I say, "What about MY freedom of speech?" That makes them think.

Step by step, we're going to win this, America!