A Prediction for Carson M. in South Carolina

You worry a lot about your health. Eating the right things and staying fit and keeping your cholesterol down. Well, forget it. What's going to kill you is being attacked by hobos, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Craigslist Q&A

I have encountered a place on the internet that is like a tumor on the gut of a mailman. It is a dark spot of pain and malignancy that broadcasts loneliness and despair. It is called Craigslist. Ever since encountering this place I have been eated at all night in the back of my brain by a thought that says, "Julia, can you really live in a world that includes Craig and his list?" and finally I have decided "No." And so begins my Craigslist Crusade to dive deep into this puddle of woe and to answer the questions that plague the many sad internet people who live here. Let's start with an easy one!

wife working late, mwm needs servicing at home now - 49 (Lower Westchester)

Q: She's working late and I'm horny as hell. I need a hot young guy to service me like the wife doesn't. Discreet, 5'8", hazel eyes, 170 lbs, 49 (look much younger), buzz cut hair, good looking and in great shape. You be younger, good looking, in-shape, hung and DDF. Non-smokers only. Into other things as well, just ask. :)

A: You are an old fattie and you want to get the poison out while your wife is working late. I can understand that, it is not so unusual. However, you have posted your ad at 6:12pm on a Wednesday night. You may have to settle for a smoker. Sorry to be the one to break it to you.

What is: Bigfoot?

Today I would like to welcome you to my new series What is? If you are a average human, most of life is a dark journey that you can't understand and suddenly you are dead. Naturally, you are full of questions: what is this? How did it happen? Are the UFOs for real? I, Doctor Julia Wonder, am a licensed doctor and a astroparapsychologist and where you have questions I have answers. Where you have a hole in your head, I have a bucket of knowledge to slop in there.

Today on What is? I'm going to tell you the number one question people send to me. I get a lot of internet mails and regular mails from people asking me, "What is bigfoot?" And then, "Where can I get one?"

What is? Bigfoot.

Bigfoot is a hairy manimal about yea high. He looks like this.

Many people think that bigfoots live all over but bigfoots are mostly only seen in the Pacific Northwesterlies. Some of the less popular states like Kentucky say that they have a bigfoot too but this is just them trying to cut theirselves off a slice of that bigfoot action. No! Bigfoots live in Northern California, Washington, Oregon and Wyoming. Also, one lives in Florida.

Fact! Bigfoots are not human.

Fact! Bigfoots are like land whales: enormous, slow moving mammals that have to eat twice their own body weight in leaves every day just to stay alive.

Children are naturally curious about Bigfoots bodies.

Fact! Bigfoots have the ability to detect hemrrhoids using just their sense of smell.

Fact! Bigfoots are addicted to television. When they can see it. That is why they can often be found peering in the window of bars trying to see what's on TV.

Fact! Bigfoots came to this planet in UFOs millions of years ago. They were just little skinny tiny things. Then they intercoursed with brown bears and that's how we gets the bigfeet we know and love today.

Fact! Bigfoots taste delicious. My cousin Earl once shot a bigfoot and the Wonder clan feasted on it for a month. It tasted gamy, but had a lot of fat and took a nice char on the grill.

Fact! The best way to kill a bigfoot is to shoot it in the face or get its cholesterol up really high.

Fact! If you are in the woods and bigfoots swarm you, try to lose them in the nearest corn maze.

Alcoholism: What's the Big Deal?

You know, there's always some people who want to rain on everyone else's parade. Just because they can't hold their liquor they've suddenly decided that you have some kind of "drinking problem."

The only "problem" this fella has is he spies a midget
coming at him with a broken bottle.
I hope he knows krav maga!

Have you seen that TV program, Intervention? Where the whole family surrounds a gal, and sometimes they even get her parents to come in and cry, and they tell her that she has a drinking problem and has to get help? Is that how you were brought up? To always believe what other people tell you? What if they told you to go jump off a bridge? Would you do that?

For people in these Intervention situations I have one thing to say: Grow a backbone!

Also, let's be honest, there are some people who are flat-out intolerable when they aren't drinking and we all agree that most non-celebrities are more fun and more full of insight after five or eleven drinks.

All these prohibitionary types keep saying that alcohol changes your personality. I agree. For the better! And that's why I say, Alcohol: What's the Big Deal?

(This has been yet another Here Then Now Guidance and Light Delivery Workshop Moment. Or it's easier just to say, HTNGLDWMs!)

A Prediction for Michael in Queens

That thing you're worried about is not nearly as bad as the thing you're not worried about so much, but are in fact pretty happy about. Well, it's nothing to be happy about, it's actually a thing to be worried about, although not nearly as much as the other thing that you were worried about. But you'll be happy about it later.

Child Abuse: the Hidden Compliment

Child molestation is one of the saddest problems facing our society today, because it’s practically a no-win situation. I mean, there’s almost nothing good to be said about it. It’s bad enough for the kids who are too easily flattered, but the really sad thing are the adults who find themselves victimized before they’ve even had the chance to take a whack at ‘em. What do I mean by that? Let's investigate.

"Let's investigate with Dr. Julia Wonder,
little girl. Come with McGruff, the Crime Dog.
He wants to investigate with you, too."

Take yours truly, for example. I love children, all right, but I give them a wide berth, particularly when I’m on the road, even though that’s no assurance of safety, as internet users have found out to their sorrow. It so happens that I don’t have children of my own, but I certainly wouldn’t take it out on other people’s. So who are the ones that do? What are they really looking for? And what is it about some children that makes them attract that sort of person? These are questions that only a trained professional can answer.

Maury is a trained professional
about matters of the child, too.

It is difficult to even agree on linguistics: what exactly consummates child abuse? And how can you tell it from plain old horsing around? I grew up in rural Oklahoma, and often this line was not clear.

For example, is this abuse?
Or hijinks?

And who are the people that actually take too much advantage of the under-aged and do unrepairable harm to their tender psychos? Well, there are any number of theories. Some people like to believe it’s mostly a queer thing. But queers are still getting the short end of the stick when it comes to sex with children and frankly I think that it’s about time we started looking for other scapegoats. I have heard many experts say that the peoples who are taking advantage of children are monsters.

When you think about it, this makes a lot of sense. I have always wondered what monsters were up to because they are always hanging around and getting in our pictures.

To think that monsters are biding their time until they can put a deformed hand on the precious genitalia of our children, who are literally our future, makes me want to punch myself in the side of the head until I throw up. Why are we paying taxes? This is the kind of thing we have a government for. And I believe that until we have proper government intervention we are going to keep having pregnant babies.

Obama, why can you not protect our
precious children from the monsters?

(This has been yet another Here Then Now Guidance and Light Delivery Workshop Moment. Or it's easier just to say, HTNGLDWMs!)

A Prediction for Edward G. in Antwerp

You're worried because you think your friends and co-workers secretly don't like you. I want to ease your mind on that count. They don't.