What happens to Osama bin Laden now?

Now that Obama has killed Osama and we have all gone out in the streets and burned the houses of our Muslim neighbors because we're not scared of them anymore, I think everyone has the same question: what's next for Osama?

I am a licensed astroparapsychologist and an unlicensed grief therapist (I go where I'm needed - to Hell with The Man!) and so that means that when I tell you what's going to happen to Osama bin Laden in the afterlife it's pretty much scientific fact and if you contradict me then you are a dummy. Are you a dummy? No? Then shut up.

The first thing that will happen to Osama bin Laden is that he will pass into the Transitionary Stage of Death. This is the stage between life and death and it smells like wet towels. Sometimes spirits get caught here and turn into ghosts. If you see a ghost, don't be scared. Most ghosts are naked, so they are more scared of you than you are of them.

"Touch me, I am nude."

Osama may be asking himself lots of questions at this stage, such as, "Why have I turned into a ghost?" "Why didn't I do more sit-ups when I was alive?" "Who has an aspirin?" While in this Transitionary Stage, Osama is still capable of performing terroristic acts such as aggressive haunting. If he can find a closet he will almost certainly jump out of it. He may also hide underneath a bed and grab your feet if they have any beds left in Pakistan but I think we blowed them all up.

Next, Osama will see the Tunnel of Light.

This Tunnel of Light is right next to the Tunnel of Love. A lot of people get confused, but OBL has been around the block (you can tell - he has a beard) and so I imagine he will go into the Tunnel of Light. Here he will feel much lighter and more confident about his body. Also, there will be the spirits of his friends and relatives. Someone might even bring him a milkshake.

"That will be very refreshing."

After passing through the Tunnel of Light, Osama bin Laden will arrive at The Great Wheel. This is an ever-turning wheel of pink fire that will pick up Osama and put his spirit back into the body of someone on Earth where he will be reincarnated. This will happen to him over and over again until he becomes more responsible and people can trust him with their house keys when they go out of town without him having a party in their houses or blowing them up.

"Osamaaaaa! You had a rave in my house again?!?"

What will be shocking to many parents is what this means: YOUR BABY COULD BECOME THE RECEPTACLE FOR THE SOUL OF OSAMA BIN LADEN!!! Please be cautious and if your baby tries to grow a beard you need to immediately rub it with raw liver and chicken fat and leave it outside for the wild dogs. Osama's spirit will just be reincarnated into another baby but at least this time it won't be yours!

Feeding your possessed baby to wild dogs
is difficult at first, but sometimes
it is all you can do. And the wild dogs will
be grateful forever.