Christine O'Donnell: Witch or Not a Witch?

I was real excited when I heard Karl Rove say that Tea Party Senate candidate in Delaware, Christine O'Donnell, was a witch because we needs more spirituality in our daily politics. But then I talked it over with Janine Turner and she said unto me, "Julia, our Founding Fathers never intended for witches or warlocks or even wizards to have a place in our politics." And I always agree with Janine!

Karl Rove is a lot of things, but I do not think he is an authority on witchcraft. And I think it is vitals to our Republic that we know if Christine O'Donnell is indeed a witch. So I took out my channeling bowl and had a chat with Cotton Mather, one of the key authorities at the Salem Witch Trials.

Not an expert on witch hunting.

An expert on witch hunting.

Dr. Julia Wonder: Hello, Cotton Mather.
Cotton Mather: Hail, female.
Dr. Julia Wonder: I have a question for you, Cotton. Is Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell a witch?
Cotton Mather: If you wish to find out whether a woman is endowed with a Witch’s power, take note whether she is able to shed tears when being tortured. If she be a Witch she will not be able to weep: although she will assume a tearful aspect and smear her cheeks and eyes with spittle to make it appear that she is weeping.
Dr. Julia Wonder: I am generally opposed to spittle. Are there other ways of finding out if she is a witch?
Cotton Mather: There is the trial of red-hot iron. Heat an iron bar or ingot and press it into the hands of the accused Witch. If she cannot carry it past three steps, and it burneth her hands and flesh most terribly, then the accused woman is not a witch. However, if the accused carries the red-hot iron to the stipulated three pace limit and beyond, then she has received assistance and supernatural powers from the Devil who sends her invisible aid and renders her hands tough and horny and resistant to the cleansing fire of Christ.
Dr. Julia Wonder: If Christine O'Donnell is a witch, what options are there for the Tea Party?
Cotton Mather: There is only one recourse when a Witch is exposed and that is to sentence her to the ordeal of Peine forte et dure and heavy stones shall be stacked upon her chest until she is pressed to death in a public place, bloody spittle issuing from her mouth along with her cries of mercy and her pleas for aid directed to her master, the Devil.
Dr. Julia Wonder: Thank you, Cotton Mather.
Cotton Mather: In the midst of the many Dissatisfaction among us, the public triall of a witch shall promote such a pious Thankfulness unto God, for Justice being so far executed among us, that I shall Re-joyce that God is Glorified and that the witch is sent burning into Hell.

There you have it!

Crushing may be an option for the
Tea Party as it deals with its "witch problem."