Everyone can be a psychic! Except you.

Recently someone asked me about my amazing psychical powers.

"Dr. Wonder," they said, "can I develop psychic powers and do the same incredible things that you do?"

And I said unto them:

"Everyone can be a psychic!"

We all have the potential to perform amazing feats and to be incredible psychic supermen and women. This power is deep inside each of us and all of us could, with the right training, be amazing psychics!

Except for you.

I know who you are and I know you're reading this right now. And you're thinking, "But if everyone can do this, why can't I?"

You just can't. Don't fight me on this. If you try to unlock your psychic potential you could suffer from one or more of the following ailments:

- dry skin - pink eye - cloudy fingernails - abnormal hair growth - premature balding - uncertain hand movements - deep insecurity

"Those don't sound so bad," I hear you thinking to yourself. And I suppose if you wanted to be a bald, bearded, insecure young person with your skin flaking off all over people's furniture and carpets from your shaky hands then I can't stop you. But how about this symptom:

- insanity

Yes, you could drive yourself insane by trying to tap your psychic potential. So stop it! Right now! You can't do it! You can't unlock an inner strength you never knew you possessed! You can't tap into a hidden source of power and insight! I'm not trying to limit you, I'm trying to keep you from going coo-coo.

No, you can't.
So cut it out.

So to everyone else out there: yes, you can! You can tap into the mysteries of the universe and unleash extrasensory new abilities that will change the way you live your life from this day forward. You can be a new person with powers and gifts that will astonish your friends and family and earn you untold riches.

But you can't. I know who you are, and you know who you are and you'll always have to rely on a professional psychic, like me. So get used to it.