What is: Bigfoot?

Today I would like to welcome you to my new series What is? If you are a average human, most of life is a dark journey that you can't understand and suddenly you are dead. Naturally, you are full of questions: what is this? How did it happen? Are the UFOs for real? I, Doctor Julia Wonder, am a licensed doctor and a astroparapsychologist and where you have questions I have answers. Where you have a hole in your head, I have a bucket of knowledge to slop in there.

Today on What is? I'm going to tell you the number one question people send to me. I get a lot of internet mails and regular mails from people asking me, "What is bigfoot?" And then, "Where can I get one?"

What is? Bigfoot.

Bigfoot is a hairy manimal about yea high. He looks like this.

Many people think that bigfoots live all over but bigfoots are mostly only seen in the Pacific Northwesterlies. Some of the less popular states like Kentucky say that they have a bigfoot too but this is just them trying to cut theirselves off a slice of that bigfoot action. No! Bigfoots live in Northern California, Washington, Oregon and Wyoming. Also, one lives in Florida.

Fact! Bigfoots are not human.

Fact! Bigfoots are like land whales: enormous, slow moving mammals that have to eat twice their own body weight in leaves every day just to stay alive.

Children are naturally curious about Bigfoots bodies.

Fact! Bigfoots have the ability to detect hemrrhoids using just their sense of smell.

Fact! Bigfoots are addicted to television. When they can see it. That is why they can often be found peering in the window of bars trying to see what's on TV.

Fact! Bigfoots came to this planet in UFOs millions of years ago. They were just little skinny tiny things. Then they intercoursed with brown bears and that's how we gets the bigfeet we know and love today.

Fact! Bigfoots taste delicious. My cousin Earl once shot a bigfoot and the Wonder clan feasted on it for a month. It tasted gamy, but had a lot of fat and took a nice char on the grill.

Fact! The best way to kill a bigfoot is to shoot it in the face or get its cholesterol up really high.

Fact! If you are in the woods and bigfoots swarm you, try to lose them in the nearest corn maze.