The Future of Now

Do you want to make history? I do! And I want to share this unique opportunity with all my readers on the world wide web. I have a brand new project called, Hello, Future Peoples! and judging by how lonely most of you are, and how powerless you feel in your everyday lives, I know all of you are going to want to be part of it!

Funded by the Federal Stimulus Package, Hello, Future Peoples! is a time capsule that will be buried in the desert near Reno, Nevada, and it will be chock full of my teachings. Why? Because future peoples living in the future are going to need help from me, and while I will most likely still be there to guide them, there is a chance that I will not be available for as much hands on assistance as they might require because maybe I'll be on another planet.

You can put your baby in this time capsule and dig
it up in 22 years! Just put in some canned tuna fish and
sparkling water and a copy of my teachings and
you'll have a upstanding citizen
when you finally dig the little critter up.

Hello, Future Peoples! has meant a lot to me for years, and now I'm inviting you, the non-historic peoples, to aid me in my goal. Send me in an item of great personal value to you and I will include it in the time capsule! You can send in wedding rings, jewelry, government bonds, antiques and/or precious family heirlooms. In exchange, you will receive from me a personalized receipt thanking you for your contribution and letting you know that your valuable has been sealed inside the Hello, Future Peoples! time capsule to be digged up in 600 years.

They're going to open up their capsule
in 100 years? Quitters.

Imagine a child, a future archeologist or even a alien being digging up the time capsule and going through your belongings. This is your chance to share with future peoples, or robots, the most valuable thing you owned.

Plagues. Extreme climate change. Animals killing us all in our sleep. Nucular attack. In a post-apocalyptic world where the Earth has been destroyed what’s the one thing that will survive? The Hello, Future Peoples! time capsule! And you should be inside of it.

Because our civilization will end. The terrorists want to rain down nucular fire on our breadbasket and burn it. They want to poison our water. Destroy our cars. But I know Americans will fight. And in the post-apocalyptic death camps of the enemy, good Americans will rise up and write a new Declaration of Independence in blood, because freedom isn’t free. It comes with a price tag.

I bet they wish they had a copy of my
teachings right about now!

And they will learn about that price tag when they open the Hello, Future Peoples! time capsule. So act now to participate in my new scheme. Because in the future, you'll be dead.