IMHO*

As many of you may know, while I am always up in your internets, the best part of the work I do is going out amongst the peoples and touching them and delivering my teachings in an up close and personal way. And I'll be getting as close and personal as you can possibly believe with my upcoming workshop:

IMHO*
(*In My Honest Opinion)
Tuesday, July 26 @ 7:30pm
at Dixon Place (161A Chrystie Street, between Rivington and Delancey - a spiritually inert location)

Get your tickets!

Conducted live and in 3-D, I will be revealing Brain Diamonds, talking HTNGLDWs (such as HTNGLDW #183 - Asians: The More They Study, The Less You Earn), demonstrating healing techniques, examining my psychic pie and discussing the fate of the nation. Plus ghosts!

So if you care about your spiritual well-being, then get on over to IMHO* next Tuesday! I know I'll be there!

What happens to Osama bin Laden now?

Now that Obama has killed Osama and we have all gone out in the streets and burned the houses of our Muslim neighbors because we're not scared of them anymore, I think everyone has the same question: what's next for Osama?

I am a licensed astroparapsychologist and an unlicensed grief therapist (I go where I'm needed - to Hell with The Man!) and so that means that when I tell you what's going to happen to Osama bin Laden in the afterlife it's pretty much scientific fact and if you contradict me then you are a dummy. Are you a dummy? No? Then shut up.

The first thing that will happen to Osama bin Laden is that he will pass into the Transitionary Stage of Death. This is the stage between life and death and it smells like wet towels. Sometimes spirits get caught here and turn into ghosts. If you see a ghost, don't be scared. Most ghosts are naked, so they are more scared of you than you are of them.

"Touch me, I am nude."

Osama may be asking himself lots of questions at this stage, such as, "Why have I turned into a ghost?" "Why didn't I do more sit-ups when I was alive?" "Who has an aspirin?" While in this Transitionary Stage, Osama is still capable of performing terroristic acts such as aggressive haunting. If he can find a closet he will almost certainly jump out of it. He may also hide underneath a bed and grab your feet if they have any beds left in Pakistan but I think we blowed them all up.

Next, Osama will see the Tunnel of Light.

This Tunnel of Light is right next to the Tunnel of Love. A lot of people get confused, but OBL has been around the block (you can tell - he has a beard) and so I imagine he will go into the Tunnel of Light. Here he will feel much lighter and more confident about his body. Also, there will be the spirits of his friends and relatives. Someone might even bring him a milkshake.

"That will be very refreshing."

After passing through the Tunnel of Light, Osama bin Laden will arrive at The Great Wheel. This is an ever-turning wheel of pink fire that will pick up Osama and put his spirit back into the body of someone on Earth where he will be reincarnated. This will happen to him over and over again until he becomes more responsible and people can trust him with their house keys when they go out of town without him having a party in their houses or blowing them up.

"Osamaaaaa! You had a rave in my house again?!?"

What will be shocking to many parents is what this means: YOUR BABY COULD BECOME THE RECEPTACLE FOR THE SOUL OF OSAMA BIN LADEN!!! Please be cautious and if your baby tries to grow a beard you need to immediately rub it with raw liver and chicken fat and leave it outside for the wild dogs. Osama's spirit will just be reincarnated into another baby but at least this time it won't be yours!

Feeding your possessed baby to wild dogs
is difficult at first, but sometimes
it is all you can do. And the wild dogs will
be grateful forever.

What is their secret?

Two great men who have one thing in common:

The greatness of their hair. You can read more about using your hair to get ahead in life in my pamphlet, Messages From the Stars: Receiving Success Through Your Follicle Antennas.

Meet the Team!

JULIA WONDER ENTERPRISES

PRESIDENT, C.E.O.: Dr. Julia Wonder

VICE PRESIDENT, C.F.O. and TREASURER: Ursula LaLaine

SECRETARY: Les Mannleigh

EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF JWENT—PRODUCTS DIVISION: Connie Sue Hightower

EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF JWENT—RESEARCH DIVISION: C. Richard Truckell

CHIEF SUPERVISOR—TOWER OF POWER PUBLICATIONS: A. Mott Soball

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER—VIDEOS, DVDs AND LIVE ACTION: Laurie Loden

LEADERSHIP AND MANAGEMENT BOYS (L.A.M.B.s):

SUPERVISING DIRECTOR: Chet Bradshaw

HEAD OF ENLISTMENT AND LOWER PERSONNEL: Stevie Gonzales

CHIEF FACILITATOR: Leslie Smacken

SECURITY MANAGEMENT: Emmanuel ‘Butch’ MacPherson

ANGELS OF MERCY BRIGADE, INC. (A.M.B.I.s)

CHIEF PROCUREMENT OFFICER: Anissa Vestal

RECRUITMENT AND BENEFITS: Velvet Brown

STYLIST: Marisol Menendez

SUPERVISOR OF GROUP DYNAMICS: Georgianne Morgan

MEDICAL STAFF

DOCTOR OF ASTROPARAPSYCHOLOGY (D.O.A.): Dr. Julia Wonder

CHIEF OF RESEARCH—ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY (C.R.A.P.): Harry Palmer

PRACTITIONER IN SPIRITUAL HEALING (P.I.S.H.): Medha Khairh

DIRECTOR—TOUCH THERAPY UNIT: Dr. Tiffany Kreim

PAID THERAPISTS: Barbie Brockmeyer, Chynna Dahl, Suzette LaFlange, Brandy Snitzer, James ‘Champ’ Laughlin, Rachel Tenson, William ‘Willie’ Wanker

DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS: Melvin Brainerd

INFORMATION AND DESEMINATION: Nancy Boyle

PUBLIC RELATIONS: BeBe Dee

HEAD BOOKKEEPER: Betty Stilbourne

MARKETING AND DEVELOPMENT: O. Leo Leahy

BOARD OF ADVISORS

Michael Milken, Dennis Kozlowski, Edith Irving, Charo, Ralph Reed, Marjoe Gortner, Adela Holzer, Representative James Sensenbrenner, Uri Geller, Donna Mills, Frank Sinatra Jr., David Gest, Heidi Fleiss, Neil Bush, Dame Barbara Cartland

Craigslist Q&A: Looking for Friends

couple looking for friends - m4m

Q: We are a young (mid/late twenties) professional couple looking for friends in the city. We are looking for people that have similar interest that can have fun going out to a bar or just sitting around the table playing board games. We enjoy traveling, wine, museums, theater, current events and politics, arts and culture, and running and hiking among other things.

A: Boy are you in trouble. In my family, when I was growing up, we also enjoyed traveling, wine, museums, theater, current events, politics, arts and culture, and running and hiking. The problem is doing them all at the same time. You start out running to the bathroom in a theater and drinking wine and then someone brings up art and culture and before you know it you are fighting about politics, someone throws a punch and then you wind up waking up underneath the back door to some kind of folk art museum near a hiking trail. However, you sound like a great couple of fellas with all them board games and going to a bar, so I know some real live wires are in your future.

Craigslist Q&A: Feline Leukemia

From Craigslist:

SMOOOOOOOOOOSH - w4w - 23 (LORIMER L)

Q: nom nom nom nom

i want your pussy in my mouth

A: I thought a long time about how to best respond to this Craigslist posting. It uses some words like "nom" that we do not use in Oklahoma, or in any state that believes in a loving God and a strong America. People who write words like "nom nom nom" are often godless heathens who believe that we should not fight wars to protect our families. However, I believe in not discriminating too much against the less mentally fortunate so I decided that it must be answered because of the public health issue this posting from Craigslists raises.

Although cats look delicious there is a reason we do not eat them. Pussy cats contain a number of terrible diseases, not the most of which is feline leukemia. So remember, when you see a fluffy kitty it is not a food source. It should not go in your mouth at any time.

Fear Itself

A great man once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

No.

There are a lot more things to fear than that, my friend.

If you are not scared of this you are a dummy!

There's suicide bombers, and car bombers, and truck bombers, suitcase bombers, and shoe bombers, and underpants bombers, and liquid bombers who put the bombs inside little 4 ounce bottles of moisturizer, and scissors bombers.

Sarin attacks, anthrax attacks, ricin attacks, chemical blister agent attacks, panic attacks, attacks on our nuclear facilities, attacks on all the things that make America great like the NFL, and tacos and guns.

And it's not just bombs, the terrorists could attack us with biological weapons. They could make our kids allergic to milk. Or peanuts. Can you imagine if the Al Qaedar took peanut butter away from our kids?

So it's wise to avoid places the terrorists might strike like military bases, schools, malls, anyplace with lots of Jews, nuclear facilities, airports, farmer's markets, abortion clinics, needle exchanges, Mexico. Virtually any country outside America, including Hawaii. France is lousy with terrorists this time of year. Greece is not primarily terroristic but it is lazy, so you may as well avoid that one while you're at it.

The safest thing to do is just burn your passport so that no one can take you outside the America against your will.

Here we've got places that make sense. North Dakota? South Dakota. South Carolina? North Carolina. Out there it's all just a bunch of jibberish. There's Pakistanis, and Aghanis and Talibani, the Iraqis and the Saudi Arabis and the Israelis, the Jordanians and Iranians and Albanians and most Mediterraneans. The Baluchistan Liberation Army, the Irish Republican Army, the National Liberation Army, the Army of the Righteous, the Army of Mohammed, the Tamil Nadu Army, the New People's Army, the Old People's Army, the African National Congress, the United States Congress and the PLO and the ANO and the GRAPO, and the PLF, the PFLP, the PFLP-GC, JEM, HUM, TTP, KGK, IMU, MEK, AQAP, CPP/NPA, GIA, QJBR...

And then there's just the plain old assholes.

Maybe that sounds judgmental, but as I get older I find myself agreeing more and more with pretty much everything Mel Gibson has to say.