Fear Itself

A great man once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

No.

There are a lot more things to fear than that, my friend.

If you are not scared of this you are a dummy!

There's suicide bombers, and car bombers, and truck bombers, suitcase bombers, and shoe bombers, and underpants bombers, and liquid bombers who put the bombs inside little 4 ounce bottles of moisturizer, and scissors bombers.

Sarin attacks, anthrax attacks, ricin attacks, chemical blister agent attacks, panic attacks, attacks on our nuclear facilities, attacks on all the things that make America great like the NFL, and tacos and guns.

And it's not just bombs, the terrorists could attack us with biological weapons. They could make our kids allergic to milk. Or peanuts. Can you imagine if the Al Qaedar took peanut butter away from our kids?

So it's wise to avoid places the terrorists might strike like military bases, schools, malls, anyplace with lots of Jews, nuclear facilities, airports, farmer's markets, abortion clinics, needle exchanges, Mexico. Virtually any country outside America, including Hawaii. France is lousy with terrorists this time of year. Greece is not primarily terroristic but it is lazy, so you may as well avoid that one while you're at it.

The safest thing to do is just burn your passport so that no one can take you outside the America against your will.

Here we've got places that make sense. North Dakota? South Dakota. South Carolina? North Carolina. Out there it's all just a bunch of jibberish. There's Pakistanis, and Aghanis and Talibani, the Iraqis and the Saudi Arabis and the Israelis, the Jordanians and Iranians and Albanians and most Mediterraneans. The Baluchistan Liberation Army, the Irish Republican Army, the National Liberation Army, the Army of the Righteous, the Army of Mohammed, the Tamil Nadu Army, the New People's Army, the Old People's Army, the African National Congress, the United States Congress and the PLO and the ANO and the GRAPO, and the PLF, the PFLP, the PFLP-GC, JEM, HUM, TTP, KGK, IMU, MEK, AQAP, CPP/NPA, GIA, QJBR...

And then there's just the plain old assholes.

Maybe that sounds judgmental, but as I get older I find myself agreeing more and more with pretty much everything Mel Gibson has to say.