Investigating Kwanzaa

We all know about Christmas! And we all know about Hanukkah which is Fake Christmas for Jewishes! But did you know about Kwanzaa? This is a Fake, Fake Christmas, sort of like a watered-down Lent, for African-Americans because they need one more thing to make them feel different from other folks. But Kwanzaa is true!

I bet you can sing Christmas carols, but do you know any Kwanzaa songs? If you are like everyone in the world, I bet the answer is "No!" That is okay. Not knowing any Kwanzaa songs just means you are normal.

But I have learned about Kwanzaa and come with me while we will explore it.

African-Americans also invented the menorah.

Like socialism, Kwanzaa has Seven Principles, including the principle of Unity and the principle of Collective Work and Responsibility.

This poster says, "Destroy Christmas and the Baby Jesus!"
It is found in many Kwanzaa homes.

The greeting for Kwanzaa is, "Hail, Kwanzaa!" When you are celebrating Kwanzaa and you see someone else celebrating Kwanzaa, that is what you say to them. If you are white and you say, "Hail, Kwanzaa!" to someone who is celebrating Kwanzaa they will kill you. It is alright for Kwanzaans to say, "Hail, Kwanzaa!" to one another, they can say that to each other, but it is not okay for white people to say it to them.

Who is Kwanzaa? I am glad you asked. Kwanzaa is a wonderful false god who does many magical things at Christmas for all of the minorities:

Kwanzaa steals food from children.

Kwanzaa eats babies.

Kwanzaa hits on the pope's wife and makes her cry.


Kwanzaa sells children into slavery.

So this year, when you are giving presents like Christmas and lighting a menorah like Hanukkah but you are actually doing Kwanzaa, I hope you remember that Christmas is not the time of year to worship false idols. It is the time of year to celebrate the Baby Jesus. This is not meant in an offensive way, but Baby Jesus was here first. But still, I pray that once you get done worshiping Christmas that you can take a few minutes to have a short Kwanzaa, afterwards. But remember, Christmas is for everyone, even if they would prefer a Kwanzaa.