Child Abuse: the Hidden Compliment

Child molestation is one of the saddest problems facing our society today, because it’s practically a no-win situation. I mean, there’s almost nothing good to be said about it. It’s bad enough for the kids who are too easily flattered, but the really sad thing are the adults who find themselves victimized before they’ve even had the chance to take a whack at ‘em. What do I mean by that? Let's investigate.

"Let's investigate with Dr. Julia Wonder,
little girl. Come with McGruff, the Crime Dog.
He wants to investigate with you, too."

Take yours truly, for example. I love children, all right, but I give them a wide berth, particularly when I’m on the road, even though that’s no assurance of safety, as internet users have found out to their sorrow. It so happens that I don’t have children of my own, but I certainly wouldn’t take it out on other people’s. So who are the ones that do? What are they really looking for? And what is it about some children that makes them attract that sort of person? These are questions that only a trained professional can answer.

Maury is a trained professional
about matters of the child, too.

It is difficult to even agree on linguistics: what exactly consummates child abuse? And how can you tell it from plain old horsing around? I grew up in rural Oklahoma, and often this line was not clear.

For example, is this abuse?
Or hijinks?

And who are the people that actually take too much advantage of the under-aged and do unrepairable harm to their tender psychos? Well, there are any number of theories. Some people like to believe it’s mostly a queer thing. But queers are still getting the short end of the stick when it comes to sex with children and frankly I think that it’s about time we started looking for other scapegoats. I have heard many experts say that the peoples who are taking advantage of children are monsters.

When you think about it, this makes a lot of sense. I have always wondered what monsters were up to because they are always hanging around and getting in our pictures.

To think that monsters are biding their time until they can put a deformed hand on the precious genitalia of our children, who are literally our future, makes me want to punch myself in the side of the head until I throw up. Why are we paying taxes? This is the kind of thing we have a government for. And I believe that until we have proper government intervention we are going to keep having pregnant babies.

Obama, why can you not protect our
precious children from the monsters?

(This has been yet another Here Then Now Guidance and Light Delivery Workshop Moment. Or it's easier just to say, HTNGLDWMs!)